Diary of myself

Days are seconds weeks are hours months are a week and year is like a month. Time flies so fast, I’m sitting here and wondering what I’m doing wrong because every month I feel I’m far away from my goals. I keep failing in every aspect of life. I’m scared, my heart beats all the time, it feels like my heart it’s about to come out from my chest. Thinking about how far I am from my dreams and goals, gives me anxiety. I try to not think too much, but I can’t help noticing the time it’s not slowing down for me. I’m sad and alone. 

They expect too much from me and I can only offer disappointment at this moment of my life. I’m tired trying, my mind and body are exhausted but I keep pushing and fighting back. I can’t give up yet, how can i give up after all this sorrow and pain. I simply can’t give up now. I must stay strong; that’s what I tell myself.

It’s Saturday today, I have done some studies and am planning to watch some chinese drama later tonight but before that i thought i should write my daily journal. 

My day; is going pretty good, I’m isolated from the world but still grateful. So I thought of writing a few things I’m grateful for; I’m grateful for my health, my warm house I’m in and ability to do things I like to do

Where should I start from? Some feelings are deeply complicated and hard to explain in words.  Expressing my feelings has been the most difficult thing to do, because I don’t find words to express my feelings, I’m not a great writer either, I write very rarely. So i can’t write it down either, i thought let’s try it today..

I feel itchy inside, a little burning and out of space. My head is heavy and my mind wanders around a lot. I try to focus but I find myself again in an empty place. I feel unwanted, undesirable and unavailable. I always thought I had figured out what was wrong in me but I’m still searching for answers.

I always wonder how it will feel to be free spirit, no obligation, no secrets, no lies and no responsibility. I sometimes envy people who have a good life, again I ask myself what went wrong in me, I did have all kinds of opportunities and still end up on the wrong side of the road. I feel like luck left me or the unseen power is not favoring me for some reason. I have always been a believer, I try to pray regularly and repent my sins to clean my aura, yet again I don’t feel enlightened or slightly at peace inside. I feel so much misfortune and fortune at the same time, because I still have a good health, job and somewhere to call home. I feel like a healthy zombie.

I’ve learned more from pain that I could have ever learned from pleasure.

Pain is always present and pleasure absent in my life. I tell myself it’s a lesson i need to learn from it but again why can’t I get a break from this pain. I dream about pleasure and the good times I will have in the future, makes me sad it’s not here yet but I’m hopeful it’s on its way to me. I keep waiting for that day. I know I will smile and laugh from deep in my heart. 

I crave for sweet happiness, I wonder how it will smell, taste, feel or even sound when it gets to me. So i say, beautiful happiness please come to me.

Today I was feeling to do something different but I ended up sitting home. Days go fast, I’m hoping soon we will go back to normal living and cherish our life in the future. I learn to appreciate time and people more. I cry seeing news nowadays, never though in this century we will experience something terrifying and unstoppable. While death hunts many of us, I’m sitting home wondering when this will stop. Cv19 nightmare continues.

Knowing myself was the hardest journey I have been on, it’s like a never ending journey. My mind wanders around a lot most days. I spend time with myself everyday, no family, no friends around to talk to. I like it like this. I don’t feel lonely, I enjoy being alone really. it’s been like this a long time now. Sometimes i wonder if having friends or family will make me happy then i realise i don’t think anyone can give me happiness except me myself, so i stay alone and figure out who i am, what i like and what not. I know what I want in life but I do not know how to achieve that. I’ve been working so hard for the past 10 years just to achieve my goals but everytime i took the wrong turn and failed miserably. My luck is so bad to start with. I always end up far from where I began. Life is sweet and bitter. I laugh and I cry at the same time, both times I do not know why I’m doing so…. I still ask myself who I am.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton